Dear Weather,

I am entirely frustrated with you.  I've never met anyone so fickle.  First, you ran cold all summer and I've got to be honest, weather, sometimes when a girl says she wants to pick her tomatoes she's not just being cute. Then when I absolutely gave up on all vegetable fun, you decided to come on strong.  I also really don't appreciate the heat wave while I'm making jam.  Hot kitchen + boiling fruit + flashbacks to equally miserable days of youth does not equal a good relationship.  And now you're right back to playing it cool while making heated innuendos.  Guess what? I'm not going to hang around forever while you decide what season you're in!

I've really tried to be patient but this is just not working. The sweaters are out in stores now. Get the hint.

P.S. I know it's totally tacky to leave this note on the windshield of your car but what the hell's up with not returning my calls?

              – wg


Real conversation – my mom (that's Grandma to you folks) talking with her two grandsons.

Grandma: So are you two having fun at school?  What do you like about it?

Diego: Recess!

Chance: Yeah, recess!

Grandma: Of course you do. Is there anything you don't like about school?

Diego: I don't like the praying mantises.

Me: The praying mantises?  Are they in a cage?  (I'm thinking they're a class pet.)

Diego: No, they're on the edge of the playground.  There are seven of them.  And they're this big!!  (Shows me hands about 8 inches apart.)

Me: Really?!  Do they chase kids down and attack them?

Diego's eyes get big and very thoughtful.

Grandma: So Chance, what don't you like about school?

Chance, quite seriously:  The plumbers.


This just in, meterological experts have detected a strange asteroid has entered our solar system.  Astronomers suspect that this new asteroid may be the cause of recent unpredictable weather patterns, and not El Nino like originally thought.  The asteroid also seems to be projecting some type of spore-like residue towards earth.  While authorities want the public to know there is nothing to worry about it is suggested that citizens avoid insects – that's right, insects – until the asteroid passes through our system.  More information will be coming soon as scientists continue to research this phenomenon. 

In other news, government officials suggest that anyone working with water to please check in with local health authorities. Strange behavior has recently been reported in water workers, including "lurking".  When key officials were asked if this had anything to do with possible contamination from asteroid spores they answered, "No comment".  Again, if you notice anyone exhibiting this behavior, or if you feel the need to "lurk" in restroom facilities, please go see your doctor.