So me and the little one ventured out today after having the flu. I could have waited a couple more days but I had seen some of the other mommies slow to a crawl in front of our house on their daily walks. I admit, I got excited. Could the mommies actually be missing my company? Would they finally let me stroll around the block with them? Ooh! Maybe one of them would like to go shoe shopping!
I trotted to the corner full of cheer. The mommies seemed full of concern. They asked how the baby had been. I explained how we had both picked up a flu bug but were feeling better.
“Mm-hmm. Well dear, don’t feel too badly.”
“Though, you know this never would have happened if you had kept breastfeeding.”
“My little girl hasn’t gotten sick once and she’s almost one.”
“Breastfeeding is SO much healthier.”
“Well,” I said tentatively, “actually, this isn’t his first cold. The first time he got sick I WAS still breastfeeding.”
I was met with a stony silence. The mommies turned to regard each other.
“Of course, avoiding exposure to germs is a must. Clean environments are key.”
“Absolutely. I disinfect every day.”
“I do too. I also personally prescribe to the harness method.”
“The what?” I stammered. I could feel the cold freeze starting all over again.
“The harness method. It’s this wonderful system for baby-proofing the house! Don’t you have one?”
“It’s a system of harnesses and straps, you hang them from the ceiling, and it lets you keep the baby entirely off the floor!”
“It’s ideal when you need to clean. Keeps the baby out of reach of all those germs.”
“I use it to clean even when you can’t see any mess. You can never be too careful.”
“I CAN’T believe you don’t have one!”
“Umm…” They must be pulling my leg, I thought.
“Well, remember girls, there’s also the Velcro method.”
“Yes, I suppose if you want to go the cheap route you could do Velcro.”
“But then the child has to touch surfaces and who knows what germs are there?”
“I pity those poor children who grow up in, how shall I say it? Less than clean environments.”
“I know. It’s SO sad!”
“I suppose the Velcro method is where you put the baby in a Velcro suit and stick him to a wall?” I said brightly.
The mommies finally faced me again. “Oh, so you do use the Velcro method! Well, it’s not that bad. I mean, it’ll do in a pinch. But no wonder he got sick.”
How will I explain the straps to my husband?