I'm not one for resolutions. I think they're kind of a setup and for those of use who can't turn off the "what have you achieved" voice in our heads anyway they're also redundant. I'm more of a believer in the continuously revolving emotional ambush resolutions, thanks.  But since it's the beginning of the year and I've had some changes on my mind I thought I'd tie it in with the next 30 Days of Truth.

Day 05 – Something you hope to do in your life

As I've mentioned before, for the last three years we've been trying to get pregnant. Keen is diabetic and just got diagnosed and healthy this last year so we figured the first couple of years were probably kind of a bust. And it wasn't all him because I was completely stressed out when Chance's SPD was first diagnosed and I'm sure that contributed. Every new year brings the thought, "It'll happen THIS year!", although every year that idea waned a little bit.  Then I had a miscarriage in August and we got pretty excited because it meant I could get pregnant. 

But this November I had another hormone test.  According to my latest hormone levels it will probably be very difficult to get pregnant.  I am 39 and perimenopausal. 

Then I started having pregnancy symptoms again. The month we weren't trying because I was emotional wrung out.  And then, just like in August, the symptoms stopped and I suspect I had another miscarriage, even though the tests came out negative.  It's just really hard to fake some of those pregnancy symptoms, especially the messy, painful ones like I tend to have, not to mention the 10 day period.

I am even more emotionally wrung out now, moving towards acceptance.  These last two almost-pregnancies reminded me how sick I get when I'm pregnant.  How much older I am now.  I could keep trying for a few more months. My end date has always been my 40th birthday.  But I'm not sure I want to keep trying… and keep having miscarriages because my eggs are too old to be viable.  Three years is a long time and almost pregnant sucks pretty bad. 

I think I'm ready to do other things.   

My general internalized goals have beent the same since I've been young.  I want to write.  I want to be published.  I want to live a creative life.  Even though you tell yourself not to, you quietly put a lot of things on hold when you're trying to get pregnant.  There are things you don't do.  There are things you hold back.  There is medicine you don't take.  There's a lot of little things I want to do that don't have anything to do with the big goals but will probably be emotionally healthier for me as a person.  I want to take cold medicine when I have a cold.  I want to take zumba and pretend I can sculpt my abs.  Book a flight without calculating how many months I "might" be.  Maybe learn how to play roller derby.  Work on other goals.  Stop denying myself "just in case".

I still feel like our family isn't done yet, but maybe one of the things I need to do is just be open.  Maybe our family will grow in other ways.

It's a new year and funny thing… pushing yourself and letting go feel an awful lot the same.

             – the weirdgirl