There is something that I read and hear all the time that has always really bothered me, but I’ve never quite articulated how I felt. After reading these emotional posts by Her Bad Mother and Girl’s Gone Child last week I’ve been thinking about it a lot and wanted to address it here. It’s about the dichotomy of body image in our culture; the fact that we get many, many messages to look a certain way to be socially acceptable, but that if we do put any time, thought, effort into our appearance we’re also “shallow”. I just saw it again on someone else’s site. A blogger calling herself shallow because she cared that she was almost down to her pre-pregnancy weight.
I think this is utter bullshit.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel pretty. For women (and men) there is nothing wrong with wanting to feel attractive and wanting to look good. There is nothing wrong with caring; it’s part of human nature.
We’ve all heard (or been told) the usual lines about “looks shouldn’t matter” and being “liked for who you are” not your clothes, etc. etc. (And I got an extra helping of those sentiments from my hippie upbringing – with a good dash of feminism to boot – and so, extra guilt.) But here’s the thing… most people feel better about themselves and have more confidence when they like how they look. Regardless if that means you dress like a Paris Hilton clone or a punk rocker, whether you just dab on a little lip gloss in the morning or are readying yourself for plastic surgery. Not that I don’t think there are people who take it to unhealthy extremes, because I think there are many who do. However putting some effort into your appearance, even just thinking about your appearance in general, does not automatically mean you are shallow and vain.
Reading these stories that other women share about hating their bodies or appearance is heartbreaking to me, and really disturbing. Especially when those same women talk about being afraid to give birth to daughters, because they want to spare their daughters the pain that they went through about their body image. Stories about women being victimized because of some aspect of their appearance are even worse. And yet it seems women still feel guilty about caring about body image, even a little. It’s as if we acknowledge that media’s version of beauty is unrealistic, then we must also reject all conventions of beautifying ourselves – even if those conventions make us feel good.
There has got to be path we can walk between feeling guilty if we do anything to look nice and taking personal appearance to an obsessive extreme. A place where we can feel good about how we look, even taking some care about our appearance, without being deemed shallow and vain. And this has got to be a path we can teach our daughters.
It wasn’t like I didn’t go through an awkward period (a rather long one actually). It’s not like I wasn’t teased in high school for being skinny and too smart (plus being a bit “creative” about my fashion choices) and very, very uncool. And then, conversely, again disliked as an adult in the work place for being… skinny and smart, but this time it was accompanied with snide speculations about who I must be sleeping with (because god forbid I was actually competent). I’m not a beauty queen in any sense. But even though I didn’t/don’t like my nose or my skin or had a lot of confidence in myself as a teen, I can say I have never “hated” my body the way some women talk about themselves.
I would have really liked it if someone back then had shown me how to choose the proper foundation (so there’s no orange line along your chin in every high school picture) or told me to start using face cream early or helped me pick flattering clothes. Instead I had a mom who was hippie enough and a creative enough that she didn’t really care too much about those things. I was left floating to find my own way to self-confidence, along a path strewn with mixed messages (like a damn hurricane went through). It would have been nice if someone could have helped steer me. It took a while but as I grew older I did find my way.
And maybe part of that was I just never bought into the bullshit, on either side, completely. (You know I first got called “weirdgirl” in high school. I’m sure it was meant as a dire insult, but being a bit weird I thought it was kind of a hoot. Because I really don’t think I’m all that weird. You know, except for thinking for myself. I guess that’s pretty weird in high school.)
I like to feel like I look good and I don’t think I’m shallow. Does that mean I spend hours grooming myself? No, but I’m not going to feel guilty for when I do take some time or the fact that I care. Neither am I going to criticize anyone else’s choices to do what makes them feel good about themselves. Thinking that I’m fucking fabulous might be a bit vain, but given the choice between thinking I’m fabulous and feeling crummy about myself? I’ll take a little vanity, thanks. And I hope to God my children will too.
Of course, teaching our children to be healthy, well-rounded individuals is ultimately the goal, but that starts with what we buy into. Our generation has been caught between idealistic feminist values and the era of supermodels and it’s damned if you do, damned if you don’t. We don’t have to buy into this bullshit guilt, the labels of “shallow and vain”, of “real beauty” vs. “artifice”. Just as we don’t have to fall prey to the “beauty industry” and media’s warped standards.
I say renounce the bullshit, ladies. Its time is over.
– the weirdgirl
I took a women’s studies class in college and there were a ton of women in there who made statements about other women who “dress up” or “do their hair” or “wear make-up”. They always glanced at me when making their stupid statements. They were trying to say I was pretending to be someone else, that I wasn’t one of “them.” I am so GLAD to not be one of THEM. I like to look nice and feel better about myself when I do. I dress up, do my hair, and put on make-up for MYSELF. This was a great post. I know exactly what you mean!
I appreciate your post and your thoughts. I still think that beauty is a social construct and that our own views of what we think is beautiful, even ourselves, has been constructed for us.
If no one ever wore make up, would we wear it? If all the models were a size 10, would we care if we were really thin?
I don’t think so.
Preach on, sister. I believe looking good is all about taking care of and loving yourself.
See, I think beauty IS a social construct… to a certain degree, and I think today’s beauty standards ARE extreme. But people have been wearing makeup and designing beautiful clothes for a lot longer than our current culture. Men have even worn makeup at certain points in history. Are those social constructs of the times? Yes. But I think there is also something inherent in human nature that draws us to “beautiful” things and this can also translate to wanting to feel beautiful ourselves.
My point is that it should all be taken with a grain of salt. The guilt can be almost as destructive to self-esteem as an obsession with always looking “perfect”.
And size 10 is NOT big. It would be nice if more models were size 10, because those really skinny girls just don’t look very healthy.
I don’t think it’s so much not wearing the make up or the designer stuff it’s more about why people are wearing them.
I think the idea that you have to wear them to look good for someone else is perpetuated intensely.
I’m a total victim of it – however not so much over the last 5-7 years. But I do think there is nothing wrong with wanting to look good – it’s just a question of what GOOD is. For some people, it has to be like this star or that model – or that size and I think that’s when things get messed up.
Also, it doesn’t help that people see folks on tv/movies looking amazing (hello thanks to $$ and make up artists and plastic surgery) and they want to look like that – and are judged based on that. It’s just not realistic.
I love this post, did I say that yet? 🙂
Mother (Kristin), I totally get what you’re saying and I definitely agree that there are many people who want to look a certain way for the wrong reasons.
Thank you for your comments and thoughts. I like hearing the other side. It’s such a complicated issue, too, it’s hard to talk about one small aspect without spilling into other discussions. It’s also really hard to see, sometimes, where our “construction” of beauty started and how it developed into something that can elicit such deeply emotional responses.
Are there no men who want to enter the conversation? I’d be interested to hear a man’s perspective.
I’m a guy so my comments are suspect, but as the father of a daughter, I stand and applaud. Well said. Be proud of who you are.
I am totally off-topic here, but have I mentioned before that I absolutely love your Terror Alert levels?
Sounds like it’s a “damned if ya do, damned if ya don’t” sort of double-standard. I’m so glad I’m a guy.
Thanks Chris & Phoenix! I’m glad I haven’t scared off all the guys. Men are allowed to have opinions too.
And off the topic… if you click on the Terror Alert button it will take you to a site where you can download your own!
Our identities and self-esteem are tied in with our appearance and what we think of it, along with many other things including the roles we play and how we interact with other people. Although I personally don’t want to spend a great deal of time on my appearance, if I ever showed a complete lack of care, something is wrong. I don’t just brush my teeth and hair for other people, I like the results. The times when my hair has grown long enough to cover my face, that was my sad state of mind showing up in my appearance.
Though I don’t follow the fashion trends, make-up my face, or get cosmetic procedures, I would never criticize anyone else for their actions. We all do what makes us feel good. Sometimes it feels good to realize the looks that we see around us or on various “American idols” in our own mirrors. We are a society that wants what our neighbor has, and in terms of beauty, there are many methods to achieve that. I only worry when the pursuit of beauty is endless and ultimately unsatisfying. If I could blink and weigh less, I’d do it. But to imagine being a size I’ve never even been at my current height is pathological.
This whole issue has had me thinking for a couple days now–it’s so complicated. I need to spend more time figuring out more about how I feel about this. Good post.
You go, girl! There’s a lot I could say about this topic but I’m sleepy and it would come out all weird. I will say this, though, I just saw the movie Little Miss Sunshine, and it’s about a little girl who wants to win a beauty pageant. And there’s a couple of really hilarious and poignant scenes in it that touch on this subject. And the bottom line – do what YOU want and what YOU are. Sometimes looking good makes you feel good about yourself – and isn’t that the point, really?