For the betterment (and protection) of parents everywhere, I’d like to share a lesson learned. Here’s the story.
A summer day and we’re both outside. Chance in his kiddie pool, me trying to read a book while soaking up some sun. Usually when we go outside it’s an either/or situation; Chance is either in his pool OR playing in the yard. But as I watch Chance figures out he can hop in and out of the pool and have both worlds! I decide to indulge him (silly, silly mom) and he runs around crazy, back and forth between the grass and the water. I start shadowing his every move, afraid he’ll cut a bare foot or do a face plant on the concrete. (So much for the book.)
Then, on one of Chance’s laps a whiff of something suspicious drifts past my nose. Ah well, it’s about time to go inside anyway. I make a grab for him and…
…catch hold of soggy swimmer’s diaper which, just like a sponge, squirts out a stream of liquid all over me. Smelly liquid. I look down and also notice that there seem to have been chunks in the liquid as they are now sticking to my shorts. And Chance, sensing that I’ll be taking him inside (duh) when he still wants freedom, writhes and squirms like a caught fish.
I take a moment to internally scream/sigh/ponder my place in the universe as a receptacle for all things fecal*, all while still holding onto my wriggling, protesting youngun’. I calculate the quickest method/route to cleanup. Then I make my way to the house…
Goose march to the back door (trying to both hold the child securely, but not TOO securely against my clothes, you know?)
A chunk dribbles out
Reach the laundry room, briefly contemplate stripping him there… discard idea
Wrap child in towel, squirting stops
drip… drip drip
Proceed to bathroom
Dump child (still protesting) in tub, peel off swimmer’s diaper
Chunks ricochet from very full, elastic diaper, more foul liquid dribbles
Strip off own shorts and shirt, climb into bathtub
Try to deposit child in safe zone (i.e. behind baby gates) while not stepping in chunky drips
In underwear and still half wet, scrutinize floor, find and clean all chunky drips
Hope neighbors can’t see
So, there you go. What happens when corn poop meets pool. I know you’ve always wondered.
– the weirdgirl
*Related story and case in point: The Agony