First of all, I am NOT obsessed with raccoons.
However, the other night – in the dead middle of it when I should be sleeping peacefully – Keen and I (and the cat) heard the most vicious, snarling growls coming from outside. So loud that we all bolted upright in classic Zoinks! and Jeepers! fashion.
We attempted to investigate but Keen's propensity to sleep nude and our numerous windows impeded efforts a bit.
Still we found out, it was the raccoons again. Which are much more freakishly large than cute, cuddly cartoons depict. And (who knew?) they have a tendency to savagely attack each other in the blink of an eye, even though they were obviously of the same pack. That is some fucked up frenemy shit. Now I'm no expert in animal husbandry (or whatever) but it seems to me that such loud, vicious behavior, coupled with the aggressive foraging and recent suburban invasions, isn't quite normal.
Plus, I just recently learned… they live in the sewers.
That right there screams to me of a childhood pet flushed down the toilet into the sewers where it mutates and breeds!
Now, also recently, there have been quite a few monster/alien/etc. sitings popping up all over the world. I mean, really the increased frequency of these sitings is disturbing, so of course, they have been closely monitored by a few of my intrepid and concerned colleagues. These, along with the obvious empire of mutant raccoons living below my very feet lead me to the obvious conclusion…
…the monsters are planning some hell of a HUGE coming out party!
(Sort of like on True Blood, but with less sex and a lot more biting.)
And the really scary thing? They don't care who knows, otherwise they'd be quieter about it.
You have been warned.
– the weirdgirl