OK, I could not
resist this one. Paris Hilton was arrested
for drunk driving back in September. She recently was sentenced
jail time… not for the drunk driving but for violating her probation terms,
including driving while her license was suspended (she was stopped twice) and
not signing up for the court-ordered alcohol education class. Her defense was that she “wasn’t paying
attention”, which is pretty ridiculous. But what is even more ridiculous? What is laughably absurd in a way that hurts my stomach and makes me
fear for the state of our nation (or some of its citizens)? It is THIS petition circulating to pardon
Paris Hilton.
Notable features are in bold. My comments (and some grammatical
corrections) are in red.
Petition Available Through Hilton’s MySpace Page
To:
The Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger
Paris Whitney Hilton is an American celebrity and socialite. She is an heiress
to a share of the Hilton Hotel fortune, as well as to the real estate fortune
of her father Richard Hilton. (Like Schwarzenegger
wouldn’t know who she is; hell, he probably fondled woman at Hilton parties in
the 70s.) She provides hope (what?)
for young people (damn, I guess I missed my window to make a sex tape) all
over the
excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives. (The American public
does love women who look like birds.)
Hilton is notable for her leading
roles on the FOX reality series The Simple Life and in the remake of the
Vincent Price horror classic "House of Wax". In addition to her work
as an actress (oh my God!), she has achieved some recognition as a
model, celebrity spokesperson, singer, and writer. (I
can’t even discuss this paragraph.)
charged in a Los Angeles court with a DUI and
sentenced to 45 days in Century Regional Detention Facility in California
beginning on or before June 5, 2007.
We, the American public who support
Paris (we the god-fearing citizens of Rock Ridge), are
shocked, dismayed and appalled (yeah, I got a lot of
shock, dismay, and appalling going on, too) by how Paris has been the person to be used as an example that Drunk
Driving is wrong. (Uh, no again. And do I detect sarcasm here?) We do not support drunk driving or DUI
charges. Paris should have been sober. But she shouldn’t go to jail, either. (At least, not without
several video cameras. Prison chick
flicks could make a comeback! Is Tarantino available?)
As depicted on Friday night’s episode "Nancy Grace" (why is her name in quotes?) on Headline News (May 4,
2007), countless celebrities have been "slapped on the wrist" for
similar incidents recently (they’re taking some liberties here). Nick Nolte, Mel
Gibson, Tracy Morgan, Wynonna Judd, to name a few, were arrested and never did
a day in jail after their initial arrests for drunk driving /DUI /DWI charges (maybe because they followed their probation terms?).
Rappers Busta Rhymes and Eve still walk free after both being arrested for the
same charges as Ms. Hilton just this
past week (rappers getting away with what a white
chick can’t? Oh my god!). Brandy’s
accident, resulting (resulted) in the death of a young wife and mother in California,
yet Brandy walks free as of today (damn you Brandy,
damn you!), never doing any time and A WOMAN HAS BEEN KILLED (CAPS = IMPORTANT) most likely due to her reckless
driving! (Good
to know they did their research.)
Yet, Paris Hilton did not hurt, injure, or kill anyone or anything, and yet she
must do jail time. (It must be a compelling argument because they started the
sentence with “yet”, and followed with another “yet”. Very educated.)
This petition is to ask Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to pardon Paris Hilton
for her mistake(s – I count four). Please allow
her to her return to her career and life. Everyone makes mistakes. She didn’t
hurt or kill anyone, and she has learned her lesson. She is sincere,
apologetic, and full of regret for her actions as she explained tearfully to the Judge handling her
case in court yesterday. She is distraught and understandably afraid. (Dear Govinator, please don’t spay my cat. My cat is so cute.
Her fur is fluffy. She eats fish and
purrs when I pet her.)
WE NEED YOUR SUPPORT to save our Paris from ending up at
the Century Regional Detention Facility! Please sign to tell The Honorable
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger of the State of California, to think about the
welfare of this young woman who has made a mortal
(I think they mean, “moral”) error and deserves
a second chance like so many others in our great nation (of drunk-driving endorsing, celebrity-worshippers) have been served with (chances
are served? Chilled or flambéed?) after a mistake they have made. If the late Former President Gerald Ford
could find it in his heart to pardon the late Former President Richard Nixon
after his mistake(s) (um… OooooKAY), we
undeniably support Paris Hilton being pardoned for her honest (idiotic) mistake (of getting caught) as
well, and we hope and expect The
Governor will understand and grant this unusual but important request in good faith to (of)
Ms. Paris Whitney Hilton (periods, apparently, are
optional)
Sometimes they just make it so easy. I’m wondering if I should ban celebrity news
from the house? I’d hate for Chance to
grow up to write any petitions.
– the weirdgirl
I do my best to avoid celebrity news … I mean really … they are just spoilled little brats whose trials and tribulations are no different than anyone elses … just that they are under the microscope of fame. I pity them (and the kid’s who wrote the petition as well).
The world really and truly will survive without 45 days of Paris in the tabloids … but really, don’t you think the tabloids will pay a pretty penny for the leaked stories of how Paris is “coping” with life in the clink?
And then … when she’s out … oh how the tabloid heavens will rejoice for whoever gets the exclusive first interview for how she survived the ordeal!
Somehow, I think the teenyboppers (do we still use that word? or does that date me?) will survive as well …
btw … I forgot to add that I loved your analysis of the petition. I wonder if it was written by committee? Can you just see them collaborating via myspace to produce the document?
Can we all chip in and send them a style guide for future reference purposes?
This petition is funnier every time I see it! Nice comments!
My favortie line is this: She provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives.
Like the author is saying “You guys are total boring losers, but I know Paris so I’m cooler than you!”
Oh. my. God.
This was the funniest thing I have read in a long time. Are these people for real??? Loved your commentary.
And I hope Paris enjoys her jail stint.
That’s real? ohmygod. Too, too funny. And sad.