For Christmas I got a massive cold. Yay, me! And my brain wasn’t working very well, so no blogging but now I’m antibiotics and I think my brain has commenced working again (nominally). Oh, and I am breaking out. Which probably has something to do with all the fudge I ate made and standing over the buttery steam while cooking it. Or the stress of the holidays. Or whatever. However, I am still (continuously) annoyed that I am 37 and still (continuously) breaking out like a fricking teenager!
Speaking of which, I’m finally reading Twilight (because, you know, the raving) and it’s a nice, easy read (which is probably good what with the fuzzy-headed sickyness and all); good writing, some character development, blah blah. However, I’m about 300 pages in and not much has happened. So I totally cheat and skip ahead (because I totally do that) and I see after about 70 pages more something happens. Which is good because that’s why I’m reading, and I like the book but I kinda wish it didn’t take 370 pages to get to some action…. except, of course, for all the heavy sexual tension that has been building steadily. Which, I have on good authority, will have no release in this book and it’s like… what? Because seriously, this is a novel about a teenage girl (yeah, a virgin so obviously her button hasn’t gotten switched all the way on yet, but still) and an 80+ year old perpetually teenage boy (can vampires get blue balls?) so hello, there should be hormones! Although we can infer from all the many descriptive passages of his beautiful glacial strength, AND that offhand comment of “oh btw, I could accidentally crush your skull trying to stroke your cheek” that maybe sex wouldn’t be a good idea because of the chance his mighty penis might crumble her pelvis to dust or perhaps injure her internal organs if he were to swirl it around like a swizzle stick in his excitement, or even, (taking this argument to its logical conclusion,) if poor Bella were to survive all the powerful penis handling what might happen if he were to release? Would his sperm (do vampires have sperm?) just ricochet through her body like a million ice bullets, causing untold damage and imminent death, forcing Edward to turn her into a vampire anyway, despite his tortured moral conscience?! (Which would make Alice happy because you just know she’s totally had a vision of Bella becoming a vampire. Duh.)
But, again, I’m only 300 pages in. And it’s not like I need every novel to be full of sex but really, the tension here? It’s extreme. And, where once upon a time (like maybe my early twenties) the anticipation, the tormented adolescent desire, the heavy longing would have been titillating beyond compare… now not so much. I am old (although, broken out like a teenager) and tired and without as much time so now it’s ALL ABOUT the wham, bam (and you get a thank you if you’re good). You know?
ALSO. Whereas the upside of perpetually beautiful skin (damn you Edward!) would be a plus, I could never, EVER become a vampire because they don’t seem to eat chocolate. I mean, what the fuck kind of trade off is that?!
Every time I read a vampire novel that just keeps me up at night. – wg
its been a while! but i am so happy to tune back into the blog world and find you also reading twilight(at 37) and having the same illness i have. only really happy about the first part and only really happy to commiserate about the second part. i promise to be a better blogger and blog friend reader in 2009! happy new year!!!
oops i forgot to say that you are ending 2008 hilarious as always.if you want more age appropriate vamp pulp then check out the sookie stackhouse set ($30 on amazon for the 6 of the 8 book box set.) its the characters based on HBO vampire show true blood. and that there is some vampire sex! 🙂
Sweet Jesus, your synopsis of Twilight up there was, in my opinion, 2 million vampire years better than the damn book! I read the first one and I said, “Welp. Yep. Takes care of that!”
And get this – 41 years old and I’m standing at the bathroom sink last night getting ready for bed and, yeah, on the other side of my chin, across from the three zits that formed over the weekend, out comes a new one to keep them company. I AM 41 YEARS OLD!!
I also still get zits. It is, in my opinion, completely unfair and NASA or J&J or someone with money should be putting some effort into making sure no woman in her 30s ever breaks out again, ever.
I am still resisting the whole Twilight thing. It just sounds annoying to me.
LOL!! I’m not a huge fan. I got thru them all but… they do EVENTUALLY have sex. If you want some info, lemme know. I’d hate to spoil it for you.
This is one series that I’m not hankering to start. Everybody raved about the Golden Compass (philip pullman) books and when I finally got through them, I was all…. WTF?
I might go to the movie though. It’ll be coming out in France pretty soon…
Remember the author is a Morman, so no sex until marriage. Then it is just missionary to procreate….Sookie all the way!!
And you know the target audience is 14. My neice loved them and sighs when she speaks of Edward (who is just Cedric Diggary from Harry Potter).
I read them all for her so she could have someone to talk to about the books. Her mom refused…..hummmmm
But alas, I was sucked in, and am a total Team Jacob gal.
Hi Peekay! – Glad to see you’re getting back into the blog world! I have read all the Sookie books. Pushed them all on my friends, in fact, way back when. I also watch True Blood and my husband was totally giving me crap about watching porn. I said, “No no, that character is just a slut.” (Really, I’m not addicted to porn.)
FADKOG – Yeah, I’m not sure I’m going to read past this first one (unless it gets FANTASTIC in the last half). There have been many, many bestsellers that people raved about that I just couldn’t get in to. The Devil Wears Prada. Meh. The DaVinci Code. Eye roll. (Yes, I’m a snob.) At least Twilight is well written, I just find it a bit slow.
Hannah – Maybe we can write to Obama for science research into that! ‘Cause zits after 28 are totally unfair. If you’re interested in a good read I totally recommend both the Sookie Stackhouse novels (by Charlaine Harris) and the books by Kim Harrison, which are about a witch/vampire team. There’s also a great werewolf/DJ series by Carrie Vaughn.
Kim – Could you just tell me which book (and which chapter) so I’d know how long I’d have to wait? And do any of the books pick up speed?
Mrs. C – I haven’t read the Golden Compass series either. I think I’ll go to the movie for that one. Overall I prefer books but for some of them sometimes the two hour version is better!
Godmother – I had no idea the author was Mormon! She must be one of those “good” Mormons I’ve heard about, huh? (Because a lot of the Mormons I knew were of the naughty variety.) So does Jacob get all hot? Because I could totally see that!
P.S. You know one of things that is bugging me about the novel is that Bella, for as sassy as she is, is not doing any ass-kicking. I really like a good, strong ass-kicking heroine.
Hi Weirdgirl,
Did your break outs become better or worse when pregnant?
Thanks
And vamps never drink anything but blood. I suppose one could always prey on drunks.
Lene – My breakouts became worse, then briefly better, then averaged out to about the same while I was pregnant. I was kind of pissed too because everyone said their skin got better while pregnant!
Evyl – ha ha! I think the (supposed) enhanced sex is supposed to make up for the lack of alcohol. (You secretly watch True Blood, don’t you?)
This is a Twilight series SPOILER….
They don’t hook up till they get married. In “Breaking Dawn” the 4th book. And then it gets weird. I do think that Meyers’ writing improves a bit as the series progresses.
And I agree, Meyer tried to make Bella this indy alterna tough girl but she’s totally not.
For the record, I don’t like vampire novels. But I do like Charlie Huston’s Joe Pitt novels. Check them out. Vampires are portrayed wonderfully. And it’s pretty effed up.
Happy New Year!
Kim – thanks! I haven’t decided whether I’ll read the rest of the series or not. Maybe save them for a beach day(s).
Chris – Cool, I’ll check those out. Thanks!
I think this is the best review for Twilight _ever_. Your statement, ” I could never EVER become a vampire because they don’t seem to eat chocolate. I mean, what the fuck kind of trade off is that?!” is a classic. Thanks for the smile! Will be following your adventures more!
-Heather
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