We’ve been doing a lot of spring cleaning around here
lately… the house, the garage, the yard. Not that
we meant to do a “Spring Cleaning” (capital S, C, blah blah blah) – you can’t
really say I’m one of those OC cleaners, I don’t mind it but there are
definitely other things I’d rather be doing – however we sort of fell into
cleaning by way of everything being a mess. Oh yeah, and we were having people over, and that we might move
(eventually). Trying to prep, you know,
trying to make things looks pretty.

Anyway, while I was cleaning I was struck by how much things
really have changed and so I present
to you…

Observations from a Lackadaisical Cleaner (a wg special)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Before Kids

  

After Kids

 

Dust covers everything, sometimes in a disturbingly thick
layer. Copious amounts of allergy medication must be taken prior to cleaning
  (and can sometimes be used to procrastinate further, i.e. “I’m out of
  Benadryl”).

  

There is no dust anywhere… smudged fingerprints have
invaded en masse, even in places you thought were impregnable to the invading force. The descriptor “dirty” has now been replaced with the word “crusty”.

 

 

Inspection of and cleaning under rugs, which only took
  place infrequently, resulted in finding a little dust and maybe an ancient
  Christmas pine needle.

  

Inspection of and cleaning under rugs results in the
  discovery of a wasteland of food particles, dirt, toys, small animals, and
  UDOs (unidentified dirty objects). Cleaning must occur weekly to avoid toddler snackage from occurring.
  (Also see couch.)
 

The couch – a great place to find change when you’re dying
  for Jack In the Box’s 2 for $.99 tacos. And, sometimes, the occasional sock.

 

 

The Couch – the
  place for hip toddlers, featuring an all you can eat bar and storage facility
  for those who “want to eat it later”.

 

 

Dishes and laundry use birth control some of the
  time. Except for those slutty cups and
forks.

  

Dishes, laundry, and their offspring, toys, breed… and are
  holding a key party in your house right now. I can hear them giggling.
 

You assume that stain on the floor is from some kind of
  beverage (before or after consumption) and it completely grosses you out!

  

You can tell by looking that stain #1 is a mixture of
  smashed carrots, cheerios, and baby snot, while stain #2 is a spilled
  milk/spit up juice combo.  (How do I know this?!)
 

Window cleaner commercials used to confuse you… how often
  do you really need to clean stuff off your windows?

  

Oh.

 

 

The phrase, “It’s not too bad,” in conjunction with
  cleaning actually meant it wasn’t too bad.

 

The same phrase means, “Can we hire a cleaner?”
 

If you were careful, after a huge cleaning sweep, the
  house could look nice for up to two weeks. OK, one week.

  

All cleaning efforts will be destroyed 20 minutes after
  naptime ends.