I’ve been reading lately about the Mommy Wars and the debates out there in the news and blogosphere. You know, it’s the same old contest of who’s being a better parent and what you exactly have to do to be the best parent. I think it’s such a load of crap. I’m not saying that I think the Mommy Wars don’t exist, because I know they do. I just think it’s a bunch of bull that we’re still subjecting ourselves to this kind of competitive classism (for lack of a better word; is there a word for the phenomenon of catty cliquishness in regards to parenting? OK, let’s make one up. I’m calling it mombullyism, or maybe parentalshitism.) I think it’s bull that feminism gets called into it, and it’s suddenly made all political (as if politics justify being competitive and nasty). And I think it’s extra special bull that people can come up with myriad, tiny ways to be mombullyists (from who breastfeeds to who’s got the most hits on their blog – are you kidding me?!) And it’s not limited to the moms, though that mombullyism is the most highlighted, dads and parents in general get subjected to this.
In my mind, there is no way to ever win the war. Every side does have a point and some value… for the individuals concerned. As parents, we make choices every day. We are individuals, our children our individuals, and we have to make choices, within the circumstances that we live in, that are best for us and our children personally. This means some moms work, some dads work, some stay home, some don’t. If that means working because you have bills to pay, then that’s what you have to do. If staying at home works the best for your children and is the most fulfilling for the caregiver, then so be it. Equally, if you personally find that having a break (whatever that is: work, hobbies, blogging, etc.) may give you a better relationship with your kids, i.e. more patience, communication, etc. then that is what’s best for you. It all comes down to your own family dynamics and personalities, financial situations, and life balance. What’s best for you and your kid may not be the best for someone else’s family.
I’ve made my choices the same as any other parent. I made the choice to hire a cleaning service. I also made the choice to work part time from home. I’ve seen the rolled eyes and the sneers. I’ve heard how EASY I have it – from people who have never walked in my shoes (and from both sides of the “war”, mind you). And you know what? I don’t give a damn. It kind of seems to me that you’re going to get some sneers no matter what you do. The choices I have made leave me more time with my son and they also give me space for sanity. I fully admit that I can’t do everything, and I’m not going to try to keep up to someone else’s idea of parenting. This is what works for our family.
Parenthood automatically equals a certain amount of guilt. Regardless of what choices we make, even when we think we’re doing a pretty good job, in our parental mind there is always doubt that we’re doing enough. I think what pisses me off the most about the Mommy Wars is that it feeds off that guilt, exploits it, manipulates its presence. Though some people might wish you to think otherwise, I have yet to meet a caring parent who does not worry deep down that they are doing enough for their kids. I think those certain individuals who are the most adamant that their way is correct (and everyone else’s is wrong) are really just trying to bury their own lingering doubt. The ones who seem to gleefully enjoy ridiculing another parent’s choices are even worse (I have to assume there are self-esteem issues involved).
Of course, we all have our opinions and we are entitled to them. We also all have seen examples of truly “bad” parenting – heartbreaking cases where kids were hurt or neglected; where the parents just didn’t care. But the Mommy Wars aren’t about stopping these cases from happening. A lot of the mombullyism doesn’t touch the real issues; they just elevate personal choices and trivial points of disagreement to a level that makes regular, everyday, good people feel like bad parents. (And frankly, with all the crap in the world today, I think the good people should be the last ones made to feel as if they’re doing something wrong because they have made personal choices within their family.)
So I’d like to put forth a radical idea: consider the notion that “it takes a village” – if we all practiced a little more “live and let live” on the personal choices and instead tried tackling some of the big issues we might just have a more cohesive village to raise our kids in.
– the weirdgirl
I have to agree with you here. I think it’s really best if at least ONE parent is able to be with the child as much as possible. Although on some days, I feel as though she’s be getting way more stimulation if she was at daycare – but with that said, I think it’s great to be able to still have some work of your own and be with your kid.
As a mostly SAHM, I have bad feelings against mom’s who work – I think if people have to work or want to work, it’s their perogative. I think that it is hard, however, to live (and work) with some level of guilt over doing it – and if you feel that way, maybe you should re-evaluate your situation. Time passes too quickly to miss out if you feel as though that’s what’s happening.
I’d never heard the term “Mommy Wards” until a couple of weeks ago, and I’ve been a parent for 20 years…
It’s dumb. When I was twenty-something, with my first child, I honestly thought being a stay-at-home mother was superior, and I did think working moms, assuming they had a choice, had made the poorer one.
I was young, inexperienced, smug. I thought the way I did it was the only right way. But even then, I would never have SAID so to a working mom. It would have been rude and cruel. I am neither, (even when I was smug and self-righteous! LOL)
Guess what? I was wrong. I got over myself.
You’re right: it takes a village, and the greater the richness of the village, the more we have to offer our children. One parent, two parent, one works outside the home, they both do. Two moms, two dads, mom and gramma…
It’s all good. We need to get over our smug selves.
Before I had kids I thought I’d do it all. There was no way I’d be satisfied being at home all the time.
But I do stay home full time. And I can’t imagine doing it any other way. It works for me.
I have other interests — I’m a photographer for one — but I am a mom first.
I know that doesn’t cut it for everyone, but for me, right now, it’s enough.
Amen, weirdgirl! I’m so sick of the “mommy wars” discussion. All it seems to do is make people question their decisions. It ignores the essential fact that different things work for different people. I’m totally with you. Live and let live!
As long as you get the kids out of the house without turning them into serial killers then half the battle is licked. People need to lighten up.
Agreed. Simply put, people need to chill the fuck out.
To be perfectly honest, I only read ONE, what I would consider, MOMMY blog – and that would be yours, WG.
It’s like political blogs to me. There’s so much bullshit thrown around, I don’t think either side can see straight. The truth gets lost somewhere during the fighting that’s trying to prove itself as the superior way of doing things.
Here’s the worst part, WG, it gets worse.
You’ve heard the horror stories about soccer parents and baseball moms and dads beating the crap out of each other. As our kids get older, they just get invoved in things that confront us with the ugly side of parental competition.
I have such a hard time with any type of politics – it’s not that I can’t play, I just don’t want to. Plus, life is too short to be creating contention, you know? People really do need to lighten up (and I’ll probably be the one telling them that – that should make me popular) or they need to fight the real battles.
Man, I’m not looking forward to any confrontations that might happen down the line.
OK, I just re-read the following lines:
“As if politics justify being competitive and nasty…” Um, what country do I live in?
and…
“…life is too short to be creating contention… and I’ll probably be the one telling them that…” Man, for being so “open” I sure got me some opinions, don’t I? (Don’t you hate it when you catch yourself talking out of your ass?)
A tothe MEN! sista.
although, i still maintain that my parents were/are completely emotionally unavailable to me.
bastards.
Well put. These mommy-wars are tedious and tiring. Love your newly coined term “parentalshitism”! Hee! I’m a CHBM and I just flit through the list once in a while looking for an interesting blog title and yours struck a chord with me. Will be checking back for more weirdness.