So this is month six of the great child number two attempt
and my period just started again. Part
of me thinks I shouldn’t blog about the process because it’s… well, so far it
hasn’t been going well. But for my own
sanity I need to talk it through. (Plus,
I sort of secretly hope someone out there will say, “I had that exact same
thing! It was such and such.”) The thing is that for four out of these past
six months I’ve had early pregnancy symptoms. Sore boobs, fatigue, what feels like a hormone surge seen in the onset
of skin and hair changes, increased mucus (sorry guys), gas. I don’t know why gas has to always make its
appearance but, trust me, normally I’m a very ungassy girl. In general, it’s just different goings on
than what usually happens in my cycle. So the hope goes up a bit, I start being careful about what I eat,
carrying stuff and so on. Then,
suddenly, the boobs stop hurting, I get cramping, severe gas (what the fuck?)… and then my period starts. And by suddenly I mean this usually all
occurs within a day. Normally I can tell
when my period is about to start, a day or two ahead of time; there are certain
signs, ones not involving any cramping. This is different. Four times this has happened. 

I’d think (and have thought, occasionally) that I was just
being psychosomatically preggo.  But last
month was one of two months where I didn’t feel any symptoms… and what a
frickin’ difference! No weird hormone
surges. No mucus showing up, no fatigue,
no gas. My hair and skin were
predictable. My boobs hurt – because
they do every month – but it was at the normal time and it wasn’t ongoing and
increasingly. I felt “normal”. Enough so that I even thought to myself, “OK,
I’m not imagining things.” 

As I’m sure you can guess, this has been rough
emotionally. I think I’m a pretty tough, down to earth chick – I try to be honest
to myself about what I’m feeling and weigh it against, you know, reality (i.e. there is nothing I can
personally do about whether a fetus sticks or not) – I try to stay positive and
avoid mindfucking myself… but weathering the hormone surges is hard. I tend to crawl into my head and stay there

Anyway, Monday I’m going to call my OB-GYN for testing and
scraping my hoo-hoo and whatever else we need to do in the oh-so-fun world of
women’s health. I probably should have
called after the third time this happened but I wasn’t sure it would be taken
seriously since I’ve never gotten to the point of a positive pregnancy test. I’m still not sure it will be taken
seriously, but I’m almost 37. I can’t
dick around with “trying” for another year before looking at testing. My thyroid thing is a factor… except I’ve
been steady for months and it’s even been getting better.

I just… I just hate the idea that I might be able to get pregnant but not stay pregnant. It’s like I’m at the mercy of defective

Man, this blog just feels like all I’m doing lately is
venting or worrying and I’m so tired of it!  I’ll stop now before the hormonal ranting gets worse.                 – wg