This was an interesting article I ran across today. My reactions were mixed and immediate. Simultaneously I thought, "Ha! I knew it!" and "Crap, am I doing that?" (But I pretty much feel twinges of guilt whenever I read ANY article on parenting.) I don't think this is terribly new news. We all know competi-parents out there; parents who can't stand to see their kids fail or want them to always feel confident, successful, and secure. At Chance's science fair there were entries that were obviously made by parents. (Which was a trap I was terrified I'd do myself. I mean, how much "help" is too much?) And while I was happy for Chance that he won first place, part of me thought, "Shit! Now he's going to expect to win every year!"
There's nothing wrong with wanting the best for your kids but there should be balance. A little suffering builds character. Wow, that sounds wrong. How about, a little failure never hurt anyone? Of course, I was irked to see that that article did not give any helpful hints about which nurturing NOT to do. Ugh, that sounds wrong, too. My head and my ovaries are totally bitch slapping each other right now. I don't think I'm giving my child "too much" but at the same time he's got a lot more than I had when I was a kid. You know the irony is that I often feel guilty AND like I'm doing a good job at the same time! Or at least a the-best-I-can-sometimes-failing-but-mostly-OK-I-think job.
Let's face it, we're all screwed up. I blame psychology. (Freud, you bastard, you landed me in therapy.)
Question: since so many of us waited later in life to have kids I wonder if we're projecting our mid-life crises on them? Does that mean if I over-parent Chance into being super successful he'll buy me a convertible?!
Score.
That article was great – thank you for sharing it! I feel confident that we are evolving as human beings & as a society but it is not steady positive progress. There’s a child raising book called “the blessing of a skinned knee” that talks about this same idea of having a little strife & learning how to deal with it as children. But, I do think, it is even more complex for those of us with not typical children b/c you see them struggling with such minor things that you get used to trying to help them more than you would another child. GAH! You really can’t win can you?
Lori – That was the exact same thought I had! About the added complexity of atypical kids. I saw a snide comment on another site that referenced this article saying, “Every child is either gifted, learning disabled, or both,” and that “covered all the bases” for behavior issues, parenting excuses, etc. Whether the commenter meant to or not it puts us parents with challenging kids even more on the spot.
Interesting article–thanks for sharing it!
I agree with the author (and with you)–one can over-parent.
The mistake is in trying to be a perfect parent. In fact, my parents tried really hard to be perfect parents, and this contributed to some of my problems.
The first thing–the most important thing for any parent to realize and remember is that there is no perfect parent. Because there is no perfect person. As a parent, you will make mistakes–and the harder you try not to make mistakes, the more mistakes you’ll make. I don’t have to be apparent (a parent, sorry I just love that wordplay) to know this. Relax, accept your imperfection–not just in your relationship with your child, but in every relationship. There is a quote my niece-in-law uses that applies to this topic–it’s by Ralph Waldo Emerson: “Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”
I feel that you both are doing an excellent job raising Chance–the very fact that you even ask yourself how well you’re doing indicates that you are a conscientious parent (so many parents aren’t). So keep doing what you’re doing now! (Chance will probably buy you a convertible–just show him this post when he’s old enough!)